Wow. We're here. In two days, I'll have my final infusion and in four days, I have my port out. That's 381 days since diagnosis. I really can't wrap my mind on this “arrival.” I’ve had March 15 in my mind since this all began, like a sort of finish line. And now, it’s in sight, and it doesn’t feel quite like a finish line. It’s more like some sort of continuation. Something new begins soon.
I’ll have three months off before I start maintenance appointments to see what symptoms are temporary and which are sticking around. I had no idea how much cancer can change a body. And, I’m very happy to share that my final echocardiogram came back clear. One fear was heart damage from Herceptin, and that fear is gone. I am celebrating my mighty heart and all its beats to come!
I’ve changed so much. Two truths are now permanently present in every cell and memory in my body.
First, love is undeniable and receiving love is transformational. I really struggled with receiving so much kindness when news of my diagnosis spread. It was vulnerable and hard, at first, to try to receive such thoughtfulness and generosity knowing I could offer nothing. I didn’t feel worthy. It didn’t feel equal. One day, after a Helena woman I’ve admired for years stopped by with a beautifully thoughtful care package, I decided I was going to be done with not receiving all the love that was so heartbreakingly-heart-openingly and beautifully given. Not denying love and openly experiencing it all has given me a deeper ability to be present to all the goodness around me. It’s helped me be more vulnerable and honest. And, love is so powerful in how it can heal around any situation. We are each so worthy to all the love offered. Thank you, thank you for each card, text, voicemail, donation, meal, dog-watching, walk, and all the other imprints you’ve left on my heart and soul this year.
Second, it’s time to live. I loved my body before I knew I had breast cancer. But now, it’s my job (for literal health) and a calling to play in this amazing body and give it all the pleasures I can. In treatment, I glimpsed what it may feel like when I am much older, and my mind is willing, but my body cannot. I’ve felt disorienting disconnection from my mind, breath, body, and energy when chemo and radiation transformed me. I stopped going to the mountains by myself due to dizziness. And that phase is mostly now behind me. Now, it’s time to celebrate and take this body to play and live! I also want to create art, write to tell my stories, and be curious about all the places my body can go and the ways it can feel. I’ve been reading up on nutrition and enjoying seeing what aligns and the intrigue of new foods. Also, cancer completely helped me mentally shift from some long-held workaholic tendencies. I now hold my energy in my own hands.
I will never be able to thank you enough for your presence with me this year. I had no idea what to expect. And, I know healing will continue. I cannot thank you for making this a year filled with such profound community, and the fiercest, most powerful love. Your support has transformed me, and I feel so very free and stronger for it. Thank you, thank you for the strength of your compassionate humanity. Thank you for walking this unexpected trail with me. I love you all, and I am so grateful for you. Thank you for helping make this journey so filled with love and for your presence in my life.
A lifetime of thanks and love,
Katie
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