Women Will Suffer and Die: The Fall of Roe is Personal

On March 3, which was day three of my knowing I had breast cancer, I realized cancer may take away my hope of motherhood.

Now, after three months, five chemo treatments, handfuls of pills, gallons of blood draws, dozens of self-administered shots, countless labs, multiple days with a painful, distended abdomen, I now know that the greatest threat to my desire to become a mother is my country and my state.

The Supreme Court's Friday, June 24 decision that overturned Roe v. Wade is wrong. It is destructive. This ruling will damage many and kill many whose names we will never know because based on the ruling, they were always disposable and we, as a country, do not care about them. This will destroy dreams, hopes, families, and childhoods. Since last Friday, I have surreally walked around in my society and community knowing that I am not equal. Women, in the United States, are not equal.

As a cancer patient---since this is the focus of this blog-- the Supreme Court decision could most immediately impact me in two ways (assuming Montana will soon act to destroy the constitutional guarantees for women that have stood for 49 years and that have assured women have the equal humanity and right to bodily autonomy as men).

Now more than ever, I am grateful I was able to get an IUD before beginning chemo. Even with effective contraception, no form of birth control is guaranteed 100%. So if I were to become pregnant, would my medical team be legally forced to tell me I have to stop chemo and treatment to prioritize an unplanned pregnancy? HER-2 positive breast cancer is aggressive.

• During the nine months before birth, would my cancer metastasize to my bones, or lungs, or blood? Would I survive? I want to live---that is why I have embraced every hard challenge of cancer treatment.

• What would it be like to be forced to give birth?

• If I miscarried, would I be investigated for homicide?

• Would I be monitored and surveilled? Would my travel to other states be monitored? Would my search engine history be archived in case of criminal prosecution?

• If I gave birth, how would I raise a child I had no agency or choice in having and how would I do so while fighting a progressed cancer?

• What type of life would an infant have with a forced mother like me? What would I mourn?

• Would I be criminally liable if the fetus was damaged by my previous chemo treatments?

• How would this counter my own experience and expectations of motherhood? Would I feel owned by the state like a breeding cow?

• (And will IUDs and all forms of contraception soon be banned in the coming Supreme Court rulings? Or banned/limited by the State of Montana?)

Second, IVF treatments will be dramatically impacted by the Supreme Court's decision. My eggs---made up of the cells of my body---are safely stored in a Nevada cryopreservation storage facility. In the hours I had to decide whether I would move forward with egg harvesting, some close to me questioned the ethics of my decision because it is outside "normal" conception. There are religious judgments I could consider that judge harshly the wild, radical hope offered by egg and embryo freezing. Without hesitation, I responded that the actions I would take to become a mother could not better underline the love it would take to bring a life into the world after the poison of chemo cured me at the cost, among many other costs, of my fertility.

I will ardently defend how much love, fight, sacrifice, and overwhelmingly strong, womanly power went into my process of egg freezing and, eventual IVF. I will fervently speak and testify to my experiences. In the days of preparation, injections, and blood draws, I lived in a world where I was constantly being smacked with the realities of cancer, fought to work and maintain my identity, and marched to and embraced the steps required to make egg freezing and motherhood possible.

Each legislative session, Montana's legislators bring "personhood" bills to define "life" as the moment a sperm fertilizes an egg. I have watched these deliberations for multiple legislative sessions and the greatest absence in their proclamations are, of course, women and medical experts. Our previous governor has vetoed these bills, but our current governor has campaigned endlessly, as is typical of all Republican candidates since I can remember political campaigns in my life, against "abortion," with a flat and harsh definition of "abortion" that petulantly ignores context, nuance, medical expertise and truths, and the concept that women are equal to men, and that bodily autonomy is indisputable, regardless of sex and gender.

For me, I hope that one day my frozen eggs will be thawed and mixed in a lab with sperm, forming an embryo. The moment this happens, will the State of Montana and the United States say that these cells of my body now belong to the State? My questions, in the wake of the destruction of Roe are:

• Will I be forced to carry all fertilized eggs? Of the 17 eggs that were harvested through a needle that punctured my vaginal wall and aspirated eggs from my ovaries, 9 were saved as viable. Nine. This means nine eggs can be fertilized. The Cleveland Clinic shares that these nine potential embryos must overcome significant hurdles to become an embryo suitable for transfer to my uterus. On average, 50% of fertilized embryos progress to the blastocyst stage. This is the stage most suitable for transfer to my uterus. This means that four or five of the embryos might develop to the blastocyst stage. Four of five will not.

• Will I be forced to have the four or five embryos that will not survive implanted into my uterus if they are legally defined as a person? Would that result in guaranteed miscarriage or developmental malformations?

• IVF pregnancies have a higher rate of miscarriage. If I miscarried, would a criminal investigation have to occur to rule out homicide?

• Will I be forced to have all the viable four or five embryos implanted into my uterus? I would be grateful for one child. Two would be incredible. Since I will not be able to consider having children, based on my oncology team's recommendations, until I am 36.5, will I be required by the State of Montana or the U.S. to implant and birth all viable embryos? If I cannot, would they be required to be given away for another woman to carry? What would that mean for me? And any potential child with my cells raised apart from me?

• Will the laws of Nevada---where my eggs are stored---be different from Montana? Will this make their transport impossible? Will the laws of Wyoming or Idaho, both states where my eggs will pass through in transport, dictate my ability to become a mother?

• Will I need to move to a state like Colorado to be able to begin IVF and birth my child(ren) safely and in order to access compassionate, accurate healthcare?

• Will I need to do any of these steps covertly to birth and raise my children in Montana, as I have always preferred?

• Will the fertilization and implantation of my eggs into my body make me a criminal or criminalize any doctor who helps me become pregnant?

Fertilization, genetic testing of embryos (such as for the BRCA genes that are precursors to breast cancer), embryo storage, and embryo transfers are now being impacted.

These are the immediate two ways that I can see that Roe may destroy, pervert, maim, or impact my abilities to become a mother.

I have tried these last few days to understand how Roe may impact women who are not exactly like me. How will this impact the women who have the least access to contraceptive education? Will teens be forced to become mothers? Will pregnant people have guaranteed access to pre- and post-natal medical care? How will this impact poor women who will be thrown further into poverty? Will the state actually value and support their living children? How will this impact women in abusive relationships? How will this impact rape victims and victims of incest? Will rape survivors choose to not report their rapists because doing so may compromise their chance to stop an unwanted pregnancy and from being forced to give birth? Do rapists get to choose the mother of their children or will women in the U.S. regain the right to choose when and if they have children?

The most disenfranchised in our communities will be forced to give birth or risk death and loss of freedom. That is not "liberty," that is not American excellence. This is barbaric hate and cruelty. And for now, this is America.

In spite of all the unknowns, I have expectations: I expect every woman and every man who know me and support me, or all who consider themselves engaged, educated and empathetic humans to to educate themselves on the very wide-reaching, dehumanizing, and explosive impacts of the downfall of Roe. And then, you must act and you must fight for every single person who could be damaged or destroyed by this heartless, inhumane reality that is now in our country. Already, people are likely beginning to die because of the Supreme Court's decisions. Legal abortions have been outlawed. Abortions will continue to occur, without medical support, and the most vulnerable of women will die. We will not know their names. They will die anonymously and after great suffering.

I expect to not be alone in this fight, and if you have read this blog, I expect you to fight with me.